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Everything is better with ice cream

 

All pets have personalities that are as unique as that of their owners. In our case, the male cats’ personality can be best described as ‘asshole’.  He is stubborn, obnoxious, needy, ungraceful and stomps around the house wreaking havoc and catastrophe.  He’s lucky he’s really really cute when he sleeps, otherwise he’d be throttled.

 

His quirks are legion, from locking himself in the bathroom then screaming his indignation on top of his lungs, to choking himself on the rim of a garbage can, to the most annoying of all – the nocturnal burst of energy.  Every night between three and five AM he stomps into our bedroom and proceeds to ensure SOMEBODY wakes up and pays attention to him. 

 

Like Simon’s Cat, he begins with a few plaintive meows. Since we ignore those like the champion sleepers we are, he escalates to jumping on the bedside table, knocking off the stray books, hair ties, water glass with his crash landing, and mournfully meows some more.  He is deaf, and cannot modulate his voice, so his meows generally have the same tonality as a cow. 

 

If by then someone hasn’t woken up to a) kick him out and shut the door b) lock him up in the bathroom c) attempt catricide, he escalates by doing something incredibly obnoxious, like finding a plastic bag to rummage through, or his new favorite game of launching himself into our wooden blinds, headfirst, to great rattling.

 

We have kind of tried everything over the years – a visit to the vet ruled out medical problems,  water spray is just a fun game, locking him up pre-emptively ensures he yells himself hoarse all night. Keeping the bedroom door locked gets us a serenade under the door, as well as indignant scratching of the two girl cats, who see no reason to be punished for his behavior.  We generally resort to blearily waking up, tossing his furiously snorting butt out, and going back to bed with the precision of a racing pit crew member.

 

Lately James has been working a lot less due to a back injury. Since he is nocturnal at heart, like me, his schedule quickly shifts to staying up quite late, and sleeping in.  This means I get a hope of uninterrupted slumber, since him staying up means that *I* get my beauty rest. 

 

However he does it, is fair game – food, toys, whatever it takes. Despite his best efforts, Cheney often wakes me up still by hollering in his nasal whine on top of his lungs.  The other night was no different – cat yelled, I blearily stomped him into the bathroom and locked the door.

 

 

This week we had the following conversation: 

 

Me:         Bad cat management last night.

 

James:   OMG, he was so bad. You obviously put him in the bathroom, I didn’t even know until I went upstairs. He was in there yelling, so I got him out, and put him in the downstairs bathroom. He yelled in there for like a solid hour. Then I took him out and gave him ice cream.

 

Me: <Crying I’m laughing so hard>  This is going to be the extent of your parenting skills, right?

 

James:     Ice cream fixes EVERYONE.

 

 

7 comments to Everything is better with ice cream

  • Har har har…loved this post! Your cat sounds so darn cute, no matter how much of a pain in the butt he can be. Our black cat, Nacho, used to come into our bedroom at about 5 AM every morning when we first got her, meowing up a storm; she wanted someone to wake up so she can have company. Well, that didn’t last long. We used to lock her out of our bedroom in the beginning, which didn’t stop her from continuing to make noise. My husband solved the early morning intrusion by tossing a slipper at her one day. Not to worry; it’s a soft, fluffy type that cannot hurt her, but the action of it startles the heck out of her. It took three slipper-tossing events and she got the message. No more early morning wake-up calls. Now, she waits until she hears me rising and then glides quietly into our bedroom to meet me. Without making a sound! 🙂

    Love the photos of your cat. He’s so cute. In the first one, he looks so…proud of himself…so ‘king of the castle’-ish…what word can describe that look? Pompous? Is it possible for a cat to look pompous? 🙂 And I love that last photo; sleeping like a baby. Yup, ice cream fixes everyone! Love that! Har har har…

  • Jean

    LOVE CHENEY! And your descriptions of him and so funny and apt.

  • admin

    @Martha – I *totally* understand your need to throw slippers – believe me, we’ve done it. Slippers, soft cover books, t-shirts, whatever. He thinks it’s a game, or at least comes back for more. Closing the door totally doesn’t work. At least Nacho is normal 🙂

    And in the first photo he looks proud and dumb… at least to me 🙂 And ice cream is likely some form of positive reinforcement, but what can you do? Nothing works. I think he’s too ‘special’ to give up easily. I bet you if we got noise canceling headphones and completely ignored him, he’d take the hint eventually, but that’s even more of a pain than tossing him out.

    @Jean – I love him too, the bugger, but sometimes he drives me to drink…

  • admin

    Yes, but he’s still a PITA. Thanks 🙂

  • Drugs? Only downside is they work, then the cat is boring and who wants a boring cat? (I speak as one whose cat is not boring even a little, and though as you say there’s the royal pain part there’s also the unique family member whose irritating aspects hold no candle to those of most relations.)

  • admin

    @leslie land – It would be hilarious trying to drug him, all those jokes about giving a cat a pill would be true, poor guy. 🙂 The truth is what you said about relations – the few minutes of pain the the butt are worth the spectacular gift of living with him.

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